Movie Review: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Posted by katsuko on August 8th, 2009 filed in Fandom, Written Word

So, I just got back a little while ago from seeing G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, and I come away with mixed feelings. On the whole I enjoyed the movie, but if you’re a major fan of the original 1985 series and/or any of the subsequent comic adaptations, then you might want to give this one a pass.

Much like I did for my Revenge of the Fallen review, I’m gonna set this up in categories of Like, Didn’t Like, Worries Pre-Movie, and WTF.

Worries Pre-Movie
Casting Issues: Okay, I’m probably not the only person who had a what the fuck are they thinking?! moment when it was announced that Channing Tatum would play Duke and Joseph Gordon-Levitt would be Cobra Commander. I spent a good chunk of my teens watching Third Rock from the Sun and 10 Things I Hate About You to ever take JGL as a threat any more serious that a gawky alien teenager or a nerdy teenager. Channing Tatum… he’s not my first choice to play any main character in a film, to be honest, so I was a bit concerned. The other actors I didn’t have much issue with, although I have to admit that the fact Marlon Wayans had a major role made me wonder if they planned to turn this movie into a comedy of epic proportions.

Things I Liked
The Cast: Yes, I know this is the only thing under “Worries.” Shut up, I’m allowed to change my friggin’ mind. Channing Tatum managed to make me believe he was Duke – and I’m still thoroughly convinced that Duke must have been a Marine at some point, especially RoC Duke since he’s obviously batshit insane. And before anyone yells at me for implying that Marines are crazy, my half-brother and several buddies of mine are Marines. Knowing them all as I do, I’m convinced that borderline insanity is a prerequisite to sign up.

Sienna Miller makes for a fucking hot as hell Baroness. Granted, I do have issues that will be mentioned a bit later regarding the character, but I don’t take issue with Sienna for playing the role she was dealt. Arnold Vosloo was fantastic as Zartan, Chris Eccleston made for a terrific – and delightfully deceptive – Destro, and JGL put my concerns to rest. I’ll go more into him in a moment.

The Tech: Not so much the accelerator suits, but the other various bits of tech used by the Joes… HOMG, total geek wet dream. The toys were wonderful and I would love to play with any one of them. Especially the camouflage suit. In fact, I think a real-life variation of that – and by camo suit I mean a suit designed to automatically take pictures of what’s behind and around you and reflect it so that you are completely hidden – is in the works. Which would both rock and suck, depending upon which side of said suit you were on.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Oh. My. God. I want to marry you for pulling this off. I admit that I was concerned when JGL was announced as Cobra Commander, but I was blown away. Mostly because he was in more of the film than I realized right up until a scene with Duke. Be aware that there will be spoilers here, and don’t get pissy for ignoring that warning.

When JGL first cropped up, I did not fucking know it was him. There were several scenes with Destro speaking to a man he called “Doctor,” who had not only built the nanotech missiles but also created the Neovipers and the programming to control them. I kept thinking the guy looked familiar, but as he was apparently a scientist I – like my roomie – assumed that he was Dr. Mindbender. There were several interspersed scenes with Duke and a character that I thought would eventually be CC since he was played by JGL, and the origin for at least why he wears a mask was done beautifully.

It winds back around to Duke having been captured and taken to the Doctor for reprogramming. Although having never been told his name, the Doctor calls Duke by his codename. When confronted with how the hell he knows his name, the Doctor mentions the mission where Rex – i.e. CC-to-be – was killed, then removed his breathing mask and eyepiece…. this is not fucking Dr. Mindbender, it’s fucking JGL slash Rex slash CC. I seriously had no fucking clue until that conversation and probably ten seconds before the mask came off.

Holy shit, he pulled it off. Thank you, JGL, for proving me wrong.

Explanations Given For Things: There are things that cartoons and comics tend to gloss over, because as a child one really doesn’t give a fuck why some dude has silver skin or another can change his entire appearance and yet another wears a mask like every goddamn day is Halloween. Movies, on the other hand, like explanations. And I like the explanations. There is a valid reason given for Destro hating CC’s fucking guts in spite of spending the first three-quarters of the movie willingly doing his bidding. There is a valid reason for why Zartan is a human chameleon who can change not only his eyes and hair but his entire physical structure as a disguise. And when someone is nearly blown to kingdom come, has scar tissue all over his face, and needs a breathing apparatus, I think that’s a goddamn good reason to wear a mask. And it’s not a bad mask, either.

Things I Didn’t Like
Accelerator Suits: I’m sorry, I thought this was G. I. Joe, not Iron Man 2: The Military Edition. Thankfully it’s been said that in subsequent sequels that the suits will be used less. Thank you, higher powers, because seeing a billion super suits during the summer film season will get really fucking old really fucking fast.

Snake Eyes’ Mask: …why the bloody hell does Snake’s face mask need lips?! That’s like nipples on the Batsuit, which I also despised by the by. Ugh. Just… no.

Scarlett Being a Fickle, Fickle Bitch: Okay, for the first half of the film Scarlett seems to dote on Snake Eyes and ignore Ripcord’s advances. In the last half of the film she continues to dote on Snake Eyes yet now she’s returning Ripcord’s attention. I don’t generally mind love triangles or threesomes, but this is ridiculous!

WTF?!
Siblings?!: Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes are brothers? What the fuck, movie? Granted, they explained this, making it more ‘brothers-in-training’ than ‘blood-brothers,’ but it served to make me blink in confusion.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t it. Apparently, Baroness (or Ana) and Cobra Commander (or Rex, or holy-shit-JGL) are sister and brother. This is not retconned out in the course of the movie. Baroness Ana thinks her brother is dead and hasn’t forgiven Duke for not coming to the funeral. Rex Cobra has reprogrammed his sister using the nanotechnology that he learned from and perfect with Dr. Mindbender (played by Kevin J. O’Connor in a bit of a ‘blink and you’ll miss it’ role). Oh, can you feel the love?

…seriously, what the fuck?

Baroness: What the fuck?! She starts off as a strong, believable villainess who through the power of her love for Duke *rolls eyes* slowly seems to wonder what the hell she’s doing and eventually runs off to rescue Duke from being reprogrammed. She does a complete 180 because she’s still so in love with her ex that she breaks through her brother’s programming and joins him in chasing down both CC and Destro. By the end of the film, she’s a completely different character and there’s no way that I can see her suddenly reverting back to a villain role for the sequel.

So… what? Baroness Mach One is being set up to be either Cover Girl Version 2.0 (note to self: find out how fatal being stabbed through the back so hard it comes out through a datapad one is holding can be, since CG looked pretty dead to me) or Lady Jay. And as much as I like Sienna Miller, I fucking detest Lady Jay and always have. If this is the route the movie ‘verse is taking, she’s got her work cut out for her to make me like that character.

Over all, I have to give Rise of Cobra 6 out of 10 stars, mostly for confusing the fuck out of me with a few elements.

And I am now convinced that both the Joe movieverse and TF movieverse exist in the same continuity, NEST is a branch of the Joe unit to work directly with the Cybertronians, and General Hawk is Lennox et al’s boss. Lennox, Epps, Duke, and Ripcord get together on Thursdays for poker night.