Much like I did for my Revenge of the Fallen review, I’m gonna set this up in categories of Like, Didn’t Like, Worries Pre-Movie, and WTF.

Worries Pre-Movie
Casting Issues: Okay, I’m probably not the only person who had a what the fuck are they thinking?! moment when it was announced that Channing Tatum would play Duke and Joseph Gordon-Levitt would be Cobra Commander. I spent a good chunk of my teens watching Third Rock from the Sun and 10 Things I Hate About You to ever take JGL as a threat any more serious that a gawky alien teenager or a nerdy teenager. Channing Tatum… he’s not my first choice to play any main character in a film, to be honest, so I was a bit concerned. The other actors I didn’t have much issue with, although I have to admit that the fact Marlon Wayans had a major role made me wonder if they planned to turn this movie into a comedy of epic proportions.

Things I Liked
The Cast: Yes, I know this is the only thing under “Worries.” Shut up, I’m allowed to change my friggin’ mind. Channing Tatum managed to make me believe he was Duke – and I’m still thoroughly convinced that Duke must have been a Marine at some point, especially RoC Duke since he’s obviously batshit insane. And before anyone yells at me for implying that Marines are crazy, my half-brother and several buddies of mine are Marines. Knowing them all as I do, I’m convinced that borderline insanity is a prerequisite to sign up.

Sienna Miller makes for a fucking hot as hell Baroness. Granted, I do have issues that will be mentioned a bit later regarding the character, but I don’t take issue with Sienna for playing the role she was dealt. Arnold Vosloo was fantastic as Zartan, Chris Eccleston made for a terrific – and delightfully deceptive – Destro, and JGL put my concerns to rest. I’ll go more into him in a moment.

The Tech: Not so much the accelerator suits, but the other various bits of tech used by the Joes… HOMG, total geek wet dream. The toys were wonderful and I would love to play with any one of them. Especially the camouflage suit. In fact, I think a real-life variation of that – and by camo suit I mean a suit designed to automatically take pictures of what’s behind and around you and reflect it so that you are completely hidden – is in the works. Which would both rock and suck, depending upon which side of said suit you were on.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Oh. My. God. I want to marry you for pulling this off. I admit that I was concerned when JGL was announced as Cobra Commander, but I was blown away. Mostly because he was in more of the film than I realized right up until a scene with Duke. Be aware that there will be spoilers here, and don’t get pissy for ignoring that warning.

When JGL first cropped up, I did not fucking know it was him. There were several scenes with Destro speaking to a man he called “Doctor,” who had not only built the nanotech missiles but also created the Neovipers and the programming to control them. I kept thinking the guy looked familiar, but as he was apparently a scientist I – like my roomie – assumed that he was Dr. Mindbender. There were several interspersed scenes with Duke and a character that I thought would eventually be CC since he was played by JGL, and the origin for at least why he wears a mask was done beautifully.

It winds back around to Duke having been captured and taken to the Doctor for reprogramming. Although having never been told his name, the Doctor calls Duke by his codename. When confronted with how the hell he knows his name, the Doctor mentions the mission where Rex – i.e. CC-to-be – was killed, then removed his breathing mask and eyepiece…. this is not fucking Dr. Mindbender, it’s fucking JGL slash Rex slash CC. I seriously had no fucking clue until that conversation and probably ten seconds before the mask came off.

Holy shit, he pulled it off. Thank you, JGL, for proving me wrong.

Explanations Given For Things: There are things that cartoons and comics tend to gloss over, because as a child one really doesn’t give a fuck why some dude has silver skin or another can change his entire appearance and yet another wears a mask like every goddamn day is Halloween. Movies, on the other hand, like explanations. And I like the explanations. There is a valid reason given for Destro hating CC’s fucking guts in spite of spending the first three-quarters of the movie willingly doing his bidding. There is a valid reason for why Zartan is a human chameleon who can change not only his eyes and hair but his entire physical structure as a disguise. And when someone is nearly blown to kingdom come, has scar tissue all over his face, and needs a breathing apparatus, I think that’s a goddamn good reason to wear a mask. And it’s not a bad mask, either.

Things I Didn’t Like
Accelerator Suits: I’m sorry, I thought this was G. I. Joe, not Iron Man 2: The Military Edition. Thankfully it’s been said that in subsequent sequels that the suits will be used less. Thank you, higher powers, because seeing a billion super suits during the summer film season will get really fucking old really fucking fast.

Snake Eyes’ Mask: …why the bloody hell does Snake’s face mask need lips?! That’s like nipples on the Batsuit, which I also despised by the by. Ugh. Just… no.

Scarlett Being a Fickle, Fickle Bitch: Okay, for the first half of the film Scarlett seems to dote on Snake Eyes and ignore Ripcord’s advances. In the last half of the film she continues to dote on Snake Eyes yet now she’s returning Ripcord’s attention. I don’t generally mind love triangles or threesomes, but this is ridiculous!

WTF?!
Siblings?!: Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes are brothers? What the fuck, movie? Granted, they explained this, making it more ‘brothers-in-training’ than ‘blood-brothers,’ but it served to make me blink in confusion.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t it. Apparently, Baroness (or Ana) and Cobra Commander (or Rex, or holy-shit-JGL) are sister and brother. This is not retconned out in the course of the movie. Baroness Ana thinks her brother is dead and hasn’t forgiven Duke for not coming to the funeral. Rex Cobra has reprogrammed his sister using the nanotechnology that he learned from and perfect with Dr. Mindbender (played by Kevin J. O’Connor in a bit of a ‘blink and you’ll miss it’ role). Oh, can you feel the love?

…seriously, what the fuck?

Baroness: What the fuck?! She starts off as a strong, believable villainess who through the power of her love for Duke *rolls eyes* slowly seems to wonder what the hell she’s doing and eventually runs off to rescue Duke from being reprogrammed. She does a complete 180 because she’s still so in love with her ex that she breaks through her brother’s programming and joins him in chasing down both CC and Destro. By the end of the film, she’s a completely different character and there’s no way that I can see her suddenly reverting back to a villain role for the sequel.

So… what? Baroness Mach One is being set up to be either Cover Girl Version 2.0 (note to self: find out how fatal being stabbed through the back so hard it comes out through a datapad one is holding can be, since CG looked pretty dead to me) or Lady Jay. And as much as I like Sienna Miller, I fucking detest Lady Jay and always have. If this is the route the movie ‘verse is taking, she’s got her work cut out for her to make me like that character.

Over all, I have to give Rise of Cobra 6 out of 10 stars, mostly for confusing the fuck out of me with a few elements.

And I am now convinced that both the Joe movieverse and TF movieverse exist in the same continuity, NEST is a branch of the Joe unit to work directly with the Cybertronians, and General Hawk is Lennox et al’s boss. Lennox, Epps, Duke, and Ripcord get together on Thursdays for poker night.

…although I still maintain that NEST in the TF:RotF universe is a branch of the Joe unit, and Hawk is bitchy because Lennox gets to play with the giant alien robots.

Honestly, I’m a very odd woman. I consider myself to be perfectly normal, but other people who think themselves normal give me strange looks when I start talking about Transformers in any way. One part is likely because – holy shit! – I’m an adult woman who enjoys something that was and in many ways still remains thought of only in conjunction with men and boys, while the other part is probably because I sometimes babble on as if I honestly think I can call up Optimus Prime on the phone and have a chat with the guy.

Although admit it, that would be fucking awesome.

To get back on track, I’m an unusual woman. In my life I’ve probably perused just about every variety of animation that there is, including Japanese hentai. And by that, I think you may know where I’m going with this.

At what point did tentacle porn infect my giant alien robots?!

Seriously, I can not have been the only one sitting in a theater, watching the scene shift to outer space and see what looks like Soundwave – one of my all-time favourites, mind you – humping a satellite.

Go on and giggle, if you must. I’ll wait.

Back now? Okay.

In all honesty, I could feel my jaw drop open and I just barely kept from asking, out loud, from my seat in front of a small child viewing the movie with his parents, when Soundwave got a guest-shot in a La Blue Girl movie. I’m still snickering over those things, even two weeks later. Hell, in my writing/fandom journal I actually wrote a short fic featuring those tentacles and another robot (er, yeah, I’ve been a life-long SW/SS girl. I think my mother may still be convinced that at age 6 I thought Starscream was a girl, just so I could avoid telling her that either way they seemed to work as a couple in my head!)

The only thing that bothers me regarding this whole line of thought is: was he still humping that thing the entire movie?!

That’s stamina, y’all.

Now I have a new nickname for Sounds: Tentacle Beast from Beyond the Stars.

That being said, I fucking loved RotF.

The things I loved: Soundwave voiced by Frank Welker. Yes, it wasn’t exactly the classic G1-Wave voice, but hell, Peter Cullen doesn’t sound exactly like he did in the 80s either! I about bounced out of me seat with joy when the first line out of Wave was “Soundwave acknowledges” in the most gorgeous fucking Soundie-voice ever. Seriously. And I’ll get back to the tentacles (yes, tentacles, like in Japanese hentai) later.

Megatron and Starscream’s interactions. Holy shit, hello, G1 homages all over the damned place! My personal favourite moment was, after a battle wherein Star’s arm was torn off and he was carrying it around, Megatron picking up the limb and smacking Screamer over the head with it. Fuck yes, bitches, the beatings will continue until morale improves.

Optimus Prime making a miraculous return from the dead. Yes, they killed him for a little while, but he got better. I honestly wasn’t worried much when he died; Optimus has about a good a track record at staying dead as Starscream does: They always get better, somehow.

The Matrix of Leadership! Finally! We have Matrix, people, all if right in my world once more!

Sideswipe. Holy shit, baby, you had one line but it was packed with your personality. Yes, honey, you are good at what you do. Kisses to you *mwah*

More robots. Always a good thing.

Judy Witwicky. Seriously, Michael Bay, just make a movie about Judy and her antics and I will pay money to go see it. She is officially my favourite Witwicky of all time, and I’m counting Sparkplug in that number.

Nobody shoot me, but… Wheelie. Yes, there is a Wheelie that I don’t want to bitchslap. He’s a mouthy little bastard, but I could still put up with him.

Again, no shooting me… Skids and Mudflap. I know, I know, “but they’re sterotypes whine bitch moan.” No one was bitching too much about Jazz being “the black one” last movie, so STFU about the teenage cars. If you think about it, they were very much similar to the Lambo twins from G1 with a little bit of G1 Cliffjumper thrown into the mix (and yes, I love Cliffjumper, the little son of a bitch ♥). They were seriously the comedic tone the movie needed in spots, and they made me grin a lot. I’m probably gonna piss off a lot of people by saying that, but I did adore them.

The things I didn’t love: More robots. Yes, I know I had that up in the “loved it” section, but at the same time… who the fuck was who? Half of the newcomers were never really introduced! I mean, hell, there’s, what, twenty-odd no-name Decepticons running around, the femmes didn’t get the dignity of being named (oh yeah, “Arcees.” What, you could only be arsed to learn one name, America? Christ, even I’m not that damned lazy…), I only knew Sideswipe was Sideswipe because of early-released images of the mech, and who the bloody fuck was the blue car Autobot who came outta of no-fragging-where with Ratchet, Ironhide, and Sideswipe to retrieve Optimus’ body?!

Optimus died. Again, he got better, but still. Bay was lucky he came back, I think Li was prepped to go to his house and commit an act of arson on him….

The Fallen is Megatron’s boss? WTF? No, sorry, Megs is nobody’s bitch. Thankfully he bit it so Megatron can regain his dignity (if Starscream doesn’t harp on him for being someone’s lap dog too much… but that’s a Screamer thing to do so maybe it’ll be a good thing!)

Too much focus on the “will he say it or not” thing between Sam and Michaela. Honestly, I don’t give a shit if they say the l-word to each other or not. Get back to the robots already!!

NEST. Why NEST? I know they’re the JOE unit, you know they’re the JOE unit, are we only using NEST because G.I.Joe had been trademarked for another feature film? Screw you, in my head-canon they’re still the JOEs.

No, seriously. Who the fuck was the blue Autobot?

All in all, I would give RotF about 7 out of 10 stars. If they somehow get Unicron into the next movie and Bay doesn’t fuck it up too badly, maybe that’ll get a full 10 stars.

ETA: I finally figured out who the fuck the blue Autobot is! Apparently that’s Jolt. Jolt the Chevy Volt. Real fucking creative there, guys, for serious. Yeesh.

I honestly haven’t even had a flicker of inspiration on anything original in quite some time. Oh, I can edit the hell outta Katherine’s stories prior to her sending them off to her publisher, and I can write fanfiction like nobody’s business, but when it comes to creating brand new characters and worlds, I freeze the hell up.

So, for the time being at least, I’ve relegated myself to the role of Katherine’s unofficial editor. I get paid in hugs and meals, and a small dedication at the beginning of each book. Not a terrible reward for helping my best friend realize her dream.

And now, I’m off to finish my orange juice and try to write some more on one of my current Transformers fanfics. The one I’m thinking of working on tonight? The next chapter of Hush.

Yesterday was not a good one. I got up feeling horrid – some upset to my stomach that eating breakfast didn’t really help and a bit of a nagging headache – yet in my usual stubborn way attempted to get in a full work day anyway. Needless to say, I only made it until about 11:30. Thankfully my supervisor is awesome and let me take the rest of it as sick time and go home to rest up.

I still have the whole headache deal, but my stomach feels much more settled than it was thirty-odd hours ago.

I’m fairly sure – at long last! – how I’m going to work the novel. Still no title as yet, but I try not to worry on that with even short pieces and fan fiction until I have a general idea of the story. All I’ve got clearly in mind is that there are three main protagonists, and although they mesh together well one of the three is almost literally a ‘fish out of water.’

It’s odd, though, how we all as individuals choose to relax. I spent a good four hours after resting up yesterday playing The Sims 2; I’m always more relaxed after playing for a while, and while I don’t understand it I am pleased that I can usually get in a good night’s sleep afterward. I slept fairly well except for my cell phone screaming that the battery was dying at 3 this morning. Ugh, and I was sleeping so nicely, too….

Current Mood: annoyed with the headache
Currently Reading: various stories on fanfiction.net

All kidding aside, hello and welcome. I’m D. Marie Butler, the odd creature who will be rambling on about something or other at any inopportune moment. I’m currently doing research and background work for my first as-yet untitled novel, and when the draft is ready will be shopping it around. I already have one publisher at the top of my list, as they’ve been wonderful thus far to my dear friend Katherine Bell so they’re all right in my books.

Hopefully I’ll post something other than mindless rambling next time.

Current Mood: sleepy
Currently Reading: Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett